I wanted to become a Buddhist monk after having read the Four Noble Truths. Even in my childhood I had the wish to become a monk (though a Christian one back then). Looking for a place where I could become a Buddhist monk, I learned about the NKT through Geshe Kelsang Gyatso’s book, The Meditation Handbook, and the posters of NKT.

My NKT teacher, who was the NKT representative in my country, convinced me to move into the NKT center and to pay rent - about three times as much for a small room as I paid for my complete apartment. When I complained, he said, "You should think about how much you value going this way."

Moving into the NKT center, I had a some Dharma books, including a Dzogchen book and one from HHDL. When the teacher saw me with these books he said, "We study here pure Dharma books,” looking displeasingly on my two Dharma books. Shortly after this episode, he showed me Geshe-la's books, saying “These are pure Dharma books." Then I heard about the dangers of mixing 'pure Dharma' with 'impure Dharma', as Geshe Kelsang puts it. “The ugly, unfortunate result of not understanding pure Dharma and of following misleading teachings that pretend to be pure Dharma is sectarianism. This is one of the greatest hindrances to the flourishing of Dharma, especially in the West. Anything that gives rise to such an evil, destructive mind should be eliminated as quickly and as thoroughly as possible." (Clear Light of Bliss, 1982, page 154, The Meditation Handbook). Assuming this to be true I threw these and my other Dharma texts into the garbage because I now feared that I might destroy pure Dharma by mixing it and thereby ‘harming countless living beings’ – doing evil. Subsequently, I did not read any Dharma book other than Geshe-la’s because I feared polluting my mind.

Later, I learned that I needed faith, and that doubt is the opposite of faith and very bad. It was explained to me that there are three kinds of doubt, but it was especially made clear that doubting Geshe-la, his teachings or NKT teachers is “doubt going into the wrong direction."

When I studied Geshe-la's book Understanding the Mind, I became even more convinced that I had acted correctly in throwing my previous Dharma books in the garbage, because on pages 166/167 Geshe-la states, “it is mixing different religious traditions that causes sectarianism...studying non-religious subjects is less of an obstacle to our spiritual progress than studying religions of different traditions...the practices taught by one teacher will differ from those taught by another, and if we try to combine them we will become confused, develop doubts, and lose direction."

I didn't want loose direction or get confused. He was the master, he knew. My NKT teacher told me that we all are deluded beings and our analyses, thoughts and perceptions are not reliable.

The next things I learned were: Geshe-la is a Buddha, Geshe-la is completely reliable and knows the three times (present, past and future), and my NKT teacher is not different from him. If I see faults in them this is due to my impure mind, because Buddhas - unlike me who is a deluded being whose perception is not reliable - don’t see faults, they have “pure view”.

Next step for me - I was asked to lend my computer to the office. When I asked to get it back (to do my final University exams), I was told that I had donated the computer and I must be confused about what I said. My NKT teacher explained to me, "Sometimes we do not remember what we say, you know…" It was explained to me that this academic study is worldly and not needed, a distraction from pure Dharma. Eventually, my NKT teacher and his most devoted students convinced me, so I gave up the idea to finish my academic study. There is no need for an academic degree I thought. When I worried about it they said to me, you should not think to much.

I was asked to give a loan. I gave all my savings and when I asked later to get it back they said I should be patient. They gave me the feeling that I was addicted to my money. Likewise, my cupboard and another person's couch were taken over. This other person was told he was addicted to his couch; therefore, he may be reborn as a tiny insect in that couch in the future.

When I could not pay the high rent any more - because the NKT center was forcing me to work more for the NKT center, to ‘accumulate merit which we need for our spiritual progress’, instead of going for worldly work or finishing my worldly academic study - they complained about my behavior one day after the date to pay the rent. They warned me about how much negative Karma I created by not paying my rent on time. They denied that it is possible to balance it with their response to me, "This is something very different, you should not think like this." They suggested that I should ask my friends to help me and to give me money. I did this; I asked a befriended medical doctor and she gave me the money. My savings I didn’t get back; so finally I decide to “donate” it.

When I visited the NKT festivals in UK, we were told that we should have faith in our teachers, they are good teachers, they are properly qualified. Later I found out that my teacher had studied for only two years with NKT way and that my NKT ordination was no authentic monk’s ordination. A friend who complained about our NKT teacher to Geshe Kelsang was told, “If you would have Bodhichitta (a pure mind) you would see the Bodhicitta in your NKT teacher.” So of course my friend was wrong, he had no pure Bodhicitta, therefore he saw faults in his NKT teachers.

I didn’t want to receive the Highest Yoga Tantra initiation, but I had received so much pressure (manipulation) from my NKT teacher and the group that I took it. Afterwards, I was told that Geshe-la was now my root guru, if you leave your root guru you will be reborn in hell and all of your realizations will be lost and in all your future lifes you will be without a qualified teacher.

Step by step, I was sucked into the system of NKT until I was quite brainwashed, deceiving myself and others. All of us were only worried about gaining "realizations" by being devoted to Geshe-la and doing what he said and giving them money, time and energy to NKT for our sake to accumulate merit, because without merit there would be no spiritual progress and no realizations.

I learned also that HHDL is possessed by a Mara (evil spirit) and is destroying the pure Buddhadharma and has broken with his root guru (this implied, he will go to hell for this of course) and is forcing others to do likewise. So we, including me, started to organize international protests 1996-1998. NKT convinced me so much how evil HHDL was, that I started to hate him and to convince all people how bad the Dalai Lama was. Another nun confessed to me that her hate towards HHDL; another nun shredded her picture of HHDL. However, the protests became very aggressive and hostile; I felt very uncomfortable.

I learned that the last pure being on earth is Geshe-la and HHDL is an evil oppressor of religious freedom, is merely a worldly politician and is destroying the pure tradition of his rot guru, Trijang Rinpoche.

Finally, I woke up to the one-sided actions and claims of Geshe-la when he pointed out the source of wrong developments in NKT - another person. Geshe-la completely blamed this person while stating that he (Geshe-la) had not done anything wrong and that NKT had not done anything wrong. I realized that this is not the Dharma and that my teacher’s and Geshe-la’s approach was not consistent with Buddhist teachings (for example, the Four Noble Truths) because delusions are the cause of suffering and things are interrelated and interdependent and appear due to many causes and conditions. It is impossible to blame a single person for a conflict. I finally realized that Geshe Kelsang Gyatso is no Buddhist master. He hasn’t understood even the basics, and I became determined to leave him.

Later, I recognized that not only that I had such experiences, they seemed to be symptomatic for and systemic in NKT (experiences of other NKT monks appear elsewhere on this web site).

My NKT experience was like eating a sweet but poisoned fruit. The taste was sweet in the beginning; there were good times and good things I learned. Later, the poison started to ruin me.

I expect that NKT will use their usually strategy to blame the reporter as mentally unhealthy or emotionally unstable or something similar - as they have often done it the past.

Nevertheless, I wish to express my gratitude to Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and NKT. I learned a lot and do not want to forget my positive experiences. Actually, in the end my negative experiences turned into something good by my learning from my faults and those of Geshe-la and NKT – a great teaching that I will treasure. However, I would be happy if others could avoid stepping into such a devastating situation, which I see as a spiritual trap.

May His Holiness the Dalai Lama, the one who really cares for the welfare of migrating beings, have a very long life and may all his prayers and holy deeds be fulfilled.

May Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and his students of past, present and future attain the state of full enlightenment, may they have faith in the Three Jewels, follow genuine teachers and rejoice in the ten virtuous actions.